Big Brother - lets meet the nobodies

A. Not much.

Oh, and Pammie’s back in there too. She must be pining for work if she’s agreed to yet another series.

So lets meet our 14 wannabes...

Mark Henderson: His friends would describe him as an “idiot”, and after that 3 minute video diary, so would thousands of others. He claims he looks like a “flamingo” when he’s naked like it’s a good thing. Seriously, everything this guy says just sets him up for criticism.

Maisy James: Token blonde bimbo. When I say bimbo, I mean bimbo. She pretty much dumped her boyfriend on live TV - I mean who does that? She even got booed before she’d even stepped onto the platform. Gutted.

Aaron Allard: Did someone say arrogant? He acts all macho but admits to crying when he gets his hair done. And if he wins Big Bro he wants to study medicine. I wouldn’t trust him with a needle anywhere near me, thank you very much.

Heaven Africa: A nose fanatic. Really? That’s the best you’ve got? She might be Heaven by name, and “by nature” as she claims, but she looks like she’ll be hell to live with.

Tom: Claims he doesn’t chase girls - but newsflash - girls aren’t chasing after him either. BO-RING.

Tashie Jackson: Anyone else want to flick the channel after her cheesy “happiness is like a butterfly” quote? She’s tee-total - but will the pressures of BB cause her to drink?

Aden: He claims to have an IQ of 160 - but can’t prove it. Need I say more? Alex: She’s in there to prove a point that not all blondes are stupid, but she’s so orange you can’t look directly at her without your eyes watering. She looks like Cabbage Patch Kid’s counterpart, Orange Patch Kid. Oh dear.

Harry Blake: you just need to look at him to know he’s posh, even though he claims he’s not. Hello, he has 15 horses! Oh, and here’s the most attention seeking part - he wants to be a gay icon but he’s straight. Sucks to be his girlfriend right now.

Rebekah Vaughn: Ok, so it’s kind of hard to hate this one. She’s a stripper, but she uses the proceeds to run a dance school for under privileged kids. All together now - awwww. And she hates men because they “break girls hearts.” This calls for another awww. And anyone who makes us awwww twice in the same paragraph has got to be worth something. Don’t let us down, Becks.

Anton Murphy: Really not much to say about this guy. He claims all the women fancy him and that he was a child model but we really can’t see why. Also, who brings tobacco into the house but DOESN’T SMOKE? Is this a ploy to get people to like him? Low.

Faye: A female wrestler. Don’t want to get on the wrong side of her...

Jay: Unlucky number 13. He bought his UV tweezers into the house for his grooming regime - but from the looks of him, it doesn’t look like he has a grooming regime. Awkward.

Louise: A model. Yet another bimbo who loves herself, loves her body, thinks she’s the bees knees etc etc.

Is this really the lot on our screens for the next 90 days? Why are all the contestants all under 30 bimbos who love themselves and want to be the centre of attention? Maybe everyone else had enough self respect not to audition. Either way, it’s going to be a pretty boring few months.

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